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Lawyer Jokes
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Have a good lawyer joke? Send it to me and if it is good we'll post it! Here are a few that I like
Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.
Q: Do you know how copper wire was invented?
A: Two Lawyers Fighting over a Penny!
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If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's
credibility... |
Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment then asked, "Okay, what's the catch?"
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh my god", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!"
A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.
Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you possibly have found this man innocent?"
The foreman replied, "Insanity."
The perplexed prosecutor asked, "All twelve of you?"
Grandfatherly Advice
My Grandfather was one of the wisest men I ever knew. I still remember his only advice to me concerning women.
"Ray," he said, "Trust me on this one, even if you do eventually understand women, you'll never believe it anyway."
A woman and her young daughter were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother one Sunday. As they passed through the cemetery on the way back to their car, the little girl said, "Mommy? Do they ever bury 2 people in the same grave?"
"Oh no, of course not, dear!" the mother replied. "Why on earth would you think that?"
"Well, that one back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, "Father, father, in one day I broke that accident case that you've been working on for the past four years!" "You did what!" His father exclaimed. "You idiot, what do you think put you through law school!"
How many contract lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
WHEREAS, the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
Section 1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
Section 2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable federal, state and local statutes.
Section 3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step Section 1 of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as the "Partnership."
Jury: A collection of people banded together for the purpose of deciding which side has hired the better lawyer.
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one, "let's be honest with each other." "Okay, you first," replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.
A lawyer in Charlotte, NC purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim with the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
But... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.
The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked: "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?"
The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so. So, the next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill and a hour later Fed-Ex delivered the lawyer's bill to him.
Legal Definition
When asked “What is a contingent fee?” a lawyer answered, “A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don’t win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing.”
Are lawyers like computers?
Well, yes and no. They both have been responsible for enough paper output to kill a rain forest, and their proliferation has been phenomenal, but unlike computers, lawyers have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months since the 1970s.
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
A lawyer, laying on his deathbed in his bedroom, called to his wife and told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea, so she ran and got it.
As soon as she returned with the Bible, the lawyer snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting left and right.
Curious, his wife asked, "What are you doing, honey?"
"I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars."
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.
The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers--we had $100 when we broke in!"
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100.
She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill.
On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."
ELEVEN PUNS ABOUT THE LAW:
| 11) |
Lawyers wear law suits. |
| 10) |
Next time you get a lawyer a drink, give him just-ice. |
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A lawyer using a facsimile machine must be sure to get his fax straight. |
| 8) |
A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining. |
| 7) |
Does a lawyer representing an angry cow find just cause for sour milk in a dairy case? |
| 6) |
A detective likes to have a brief case. |
| 5) |
The detective who went to investigate a burned down post office figured that it must be blackmail. |
| 4) |
There are many judges who would like to acquit smoking. |
| 3) |
Old judges never die, they just slur their sentences. |
| 2) |
A police dog is often the scenter of a drug arrest. |
| 1) |
If there's one person you don't want to interrupt in the middle of a sentence, it's a judge. |
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