LAWYER JOKES

Have a good lawyer joke? Send it to me and if it is good, we’ll post it! Here are a few that we like:

  • A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were discussing creation and related issues which led to the subject of the oldest profession.

     

    The doctor claimed that God removed a rib from Adam to create Eve, therefore that early surgery means medicine is the oldest profession.

     

    The engineer immediately claimed immediately that engineering was an older profession because before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos which required engineers.

     

    To which the lawyer snorted, “And just who do you think created the chaos?”

     

    The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer, the wealthiest man in town. So, a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

    The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, ‘Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?’

    The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, ‘First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?’

    Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, ‘Uh . . . No, I didn’t know that.’

    ‘Secondly,’ says the lawyer, ‘did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?’

    The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

    ‘Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?’

    The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, ‘I’m so sorry, I had no idea.’

    And then the lawyer said, “So . . . If I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?”

     

    Q: What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?

    A: Lawyers don’t think they’re funny and other people don’t think they’re jokes.”

     

    Q: Why are lawyers like computers?

    A: They both have been responsible for enough paper output to kill a rain forest, and their proliferation has been phenomenal, but unlike computers, lawyers have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18.”

    You seem to be in some distress,” said the kindly judge to the witness. “Is anything the matter?”

    “Well, your Honor,” said the witness, “I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.”

  • It’s a shame that 98% of lawyers give the remaining 2% a bad name.”

     

    Q: How does an attorney sleep?

    A: First he lies on one side, and then on the other.”

     

    Q: What’s the definition of mixed emotions?

    A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.”

    A man who had been caught embezzling millions went to a lawyer. His lawyer told him, “Don’t worry. You’ll never go to jail with all that money.” In fact, when the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.”

    A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

    “It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted. “We got $25 between us.”

    The boss screamed, “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers—we had $100 when we broke in!”

    Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

    A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.”

    Two lawyers are in a bank, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While one of the robbers takes the money from the tellers, the other lines the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall and proceeds to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on, lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two’s hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, “What is this?” To which the first lawyer replies, “It’s that $50 I owe you.”

    A man walks into a bar and announces “All lawyers are assholes.” A man in the corner of the bar objects, saying he is offended, and the first man asks if the second is a lawyer. The second said, “No, I’m an asshole.”

    As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to think you had died.”

    God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. Satan heard this, laughed and said, “And where do you think you’re going to find a lawyer?”

    A lawyer, laying on his deathbed in his bedroom, called to his wife and told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea, so she ran and got it.

    As soon as she returned with the Bible, the lawyer snatched it from her and quickly began scanning pages, his eyes darting left and right. Curious, his wife asked, “What are you doing, honey?”

    “I’m looking for loopholes!” he shouted.